


Castiel:  The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Humour, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-12
Updated: 2014-01-12
Packaged: 2018-01-08 12:55:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1132903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Congratulations! You are now the owner of a fully-automated CASTIEL unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your Angel-turned-Human, please pay close attention to the following instructions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Castiel:  The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

Castiel: The Owners' Guide And Maintenance Manual

Congratulations! You are now the owner of a fully-automated CASTIEL unit. To ensure that you get the full use and benefits of your Angel-turned-Human, please pay close attention to the following instructions.

*

Basic Information:

Name: Castiel (AKA Cas, Clarence, Steve).

Date Of Manufacture: Pretty much forever ago.

Place Of Manufacture: Impala Co., Kripke Division.

Height: 1.80 m

Weight: Unknown

*

Your CASTIEL unit will come with the following accessories:

One trenchcoat

One blue tie

One White collar shirt

One suit

One Angel Blade

When you first open your CASTIEL unit, he will probably be confused or angry. You should show him to his room and make sure he's comfortable.

*

Programming:

Your CASTIEL unit is a bit confused and newly human, and can carry out the following functions:

Protection - He may be human, but CASTIEL can still fight pretty well. You can take him with you if you're hunting, or even just walking alone at night. He'll probably help you avoid becoming the next First Five Minutes.

Translator - All those ancient Enoch books you've got will finally make sense. Whaddaya mean you don't have any ancient Enoch books? I... Well maybe he speaks french too.

Hunting Partner - He got a bit of training with Sam and Dean, so you're cleared to take him with you for any Salt-n-Burn cases you may take care of.

Pop Culture Dictionary - We're kidding, of course.

*

Your CASTIEL unit comes with four different modes:

-Angel: Default mode. Your unit will preoccupy itself with angel-y business unless something is asked of him. You can bet he'll be flashing in and out. Don't bother worrying about him, he's okay. Probably just hanging out with a DEAN unit somewhere.

-Human: Activated automatically after five years, or until contact is made with a METATRON unit. Your unit will act relatively similar, except a bit more flustered than usual. He may ask you to drive him places, like the store to replace the tube of toothpaste he tried to eat.

-Friend: If you prove good enough, friend mode will be activated. There is no coming back from this. Unless you, like, betray him for a CROWLEY unit. But seriously. Take a look at how Cas treats Sam. That's what you're in for. Please be nice.

-Angry: We don't know what to tell you other than ask "what the fuck happened" and "get out of the way." It will pass... Eventually. (Note: If this is the effect of a NAOMI-induced Brain Wipe, find a DEAN unit ASAP).

*

Relations with other units:

DEAN WINCHESTER: These two units share a profound bond. It is reccomended that your CASTIEL unit have a DEAN unit nearby, as they will try to take care of each other.*

SAM WINCHESTER: While they have no profound bond, things between CAS and SAM units are generally not a problem. In fact, SAM units will really respect CASTIEL.

BOBBY: He's going to have to touch it. BOBBY's soul, that is. No forseeable problems between the two units.

MEG: Will call your unit Clarence. Also sometimes will kiss him. If you have a problem with that, too bad. They get along.

CROWLEY: May, on ocassion, try to work with your unit. The alliances will run their course and we do not suggest trying to break it off, as CASTIEL would and could kick your ass into oblivion if he wanted to.

 

*It should be noted anyone interested in attempting to "ship" your CASTIEL unit should consult an official representative before setting up dates.

*

Cleaning: The CASTIEL unit is generally able to clean itself. Make sure you keep an ear open in case he slips in the shower, though. And maybe have a little lesson on things like shaving, and tooth brushing.

Energy: The CASTIEL unit does not require food unless Human mode is unlocked, or a Limited Edition FAMINE unit is having an effect on him. 

*

Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: Wait hold on why is Cas calling himself Emmanuel? Should I reboot him?  
A: If you want to. Or, you can wait and he'll go back to being normal. Relatively, anyways. How do you feel about bees?

Q: I just got a CROWLEY unit and now him and CASTIEL are always hanging out... Also, there's weird sounds coming from the basement... What's up with that?  
A: They're trying to open Purgatory. Totally normal. Although, you could always seperate them.

Q: I swear to Chuck, like half the garrison is on my front lawn right now, and they're armed. Should I send out Cas?   
A: If you want him to slaughter them all. So, um, yeah.

Q: He found Dean's porn collection. Help me.  
A: It's too late. Just remind him not to talk about it in public. Or at all.

Q: There's... I mean... Cas is... oozing?  
A: That's because he's been taken over by Leviathan. Don't... touch.

*

Warranty: With proper care, the CASTIEL unit should never die, unless another angel manages to stab him with their Angel Blade. However, if you get annoyed with the angel, you can always send him back to our company for a full refund (within six months of purchase).


End file.
